The Community for Catholic Moms

Big Family Envy

I have big family envy.

That probably sounds crazy but it’s true. I see a family of six, seven or eight kids and all I can think about is how I wish my family were that big. I long for a super-size family.

Unfortunately, the ideas I had for my life haven’t worked out the way I planned. After having two beautiful, healthy children my husband and I suffered fertility problems. Our next two pregnancies ended with stillborn daughters.

A variety of doctors gave us few solutions and we were left to decide how we would deal with this obstacle presented to us.

Sometimes as a mother of two, I feel judged by couples with super-sized families. Those that don’t know our history probably think that by having a boy and a girl we feel there isn’t a need to have more children.

I look at my family of four and can’t help but feel that something is missing. I see myself has a mother of many children probably because it’s been my dream for so long.

And so when a super-size family walks past me, I might spend just a moment imagining what their life is like. And in a small way wishing it were mine.

Super-sized families are often judged by the world. Our society sees families of more than two children as a burden. The couple is viewed as irresponsible.

As Catholics, we take wedding vows to lovingly accept children from God. We are told that children are a blessing and that each one God gives us should be celebrated. We deal with the ridicule of practicing Natural Family Planning (NFP). It takes a strong back to follow God’s will each day.

Couples with large families often express how they’ve placed their trust in God to choose the size of their family. Maybe their comments aren’t indented to sound like judgments but in a way I feel as though they see my small family as inferior to their large family.

Without fully knowing and understanding my situation they can’t possibly see how I long for a big family. How we prayed for a healthy child during our fourth pregnancy and how it ended with another funeral instead of a celebration of birth. They can’t understand the heart wrenching decision we make each month knowing the odds of bringing another family member home from the hospital but still wishing to do God’s will in our lives.

Without knowing our story, I’m sure some couples see us as selfish.

My intention in writing this article is to help people understand my situation. It’s probably more common that anyone knows. I hope I can help others understand that you may only see two of our children but that this family is made up of two other souls, who just happened to make it to Heaven before we expected. And that even though I have a son and a daughter, I am far from finished with growing my family. The decision is simply out of my control.

And most importantly, when I see your super-size family at Mass on Sunday morning, I don’t shake my head with judgment. Instead I say a silent prayer that someday that will be my family.

So the next time you meet an average sized family, say a prayer for them. They might be just like me. Wishing that their family could be known as super-sized too.

Tags: Family, NFP, Natural, Planning, big, families, infertility, stillborn, super-size

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Comment by Cathy Donahue on September 8, 2011 at 12:09pm: How sweet! I totally understand. We adopted after 7 1/2 years of infertility and then were blessed with two boys born to us (7 years apart). I look at the large families around us and wish I had a large brood. Then I thank God for our three and look forward to my new niece or nephew arriving next February.

Cathy D.

Comment by Jessica Hoffman on May 20, 2011 at 2:25pm: I just wanted to let you know that I can sympathize and will pray for your dreams to come true. Sometimes God's ways of building our families, aren't necessarily our ways. We had infertility troubles and finally got pregnant with our eldest. As time went on, we were hoping to get pregnant with our 2nd and it just wasn't happening. I struggled so much as I had always had dreams of having a big family. Friends would announce their pregnancies and while I was happy for them, I was heartbroken that we couldn't get pregnant again. My daughter started asking why her friends had brothers and sisters and she didn't. We kept praying and I felt God leading us to look into adoption. I didn't think that I could do domestic adoption as I was fearful of the birthparents trying to get them back and losing the children. We looked into international. I had my heart set on Guatemala, but the expense of it...I just didn't think we could do it. Then, rules changed and I felt like God was closing the door. We decided to look into China and as I was getting excited about it, they made some changes to their program and the wait was going to be a very long time. One night, I couldn't sleep and cried out to God as I knew that He knew the desires of my heart and I felt like he was whispering at me to look into fostering to adopt. I started looking into that and found out a Christian agency was right down the street from us. I talked to my husband the next day and was totally surprised when he said "Let's do it, let's look into it." We went to orientation the following week and then started the classes. A couple of months later, we were licensed. We determined that any child who was in our home that came up for adoption, we would adopt and give them their forever home. We fostered 8 children total and adopted 3. I still think about and pray for the other 5 that went home. While we were in court and finding out that we were going to get to adopt our little girls, I thought I was sick with something. Turns out, I was pregnant. 9 years of prayer, and I was finally pregnant again. The baby has been a huge blessing to all of us. Don't ever give up hope and keep praying. God works in mysterious ways. Our baby girl just turned 1 in April and we are hoping for more, but it's all in God's hands. :-) I just wanted to share our story in case it helped you in any way.

Comment by Monica Simpson on May 6, 2011 at 11:07pm: I get big family envy for sure. Whenever I hear someone comment on what a good catholic family the family of 10 down the street is I think that so would be me if I had my way.

If I had my way... but of course its not my way and my losses are part of my crosses.

In defending our faith, we who follow church teaching for our marital life have come to see accepting God's will as accepting any baby given so that our family will have 11 or more beautiful blessings that God has given us. Then we can prove that we accept his will; we are a live wittness to his teaching. Its quite the feat in today's society to be open to children. But in that desire to accept as many as he will give us, we lose focus of His will. Sometimes His will is 1 child or 2. And that can be just as hard to accept. IVF might be OK with the church if the sole purpose was to have large families at any cost.

Years ago not all Catholic families had 6; granted, they were larger but my father was one of 2 children, due to 4 other miscarriages by his mother. I still yearn for a much larger family but have come to accept that this might be all God has in store. My extended family is full of supersize Catholic families. Its hard for us to hear how accepting they are of God's will when they announce yet another pregnancy and yet hearing those things gives my husband and I the chance to grow in holiness. it is also part of humbling ourselves, my husband and I, before God's will. Its taken us a long time to get to this place. I pray you find yourself there too.

Comment by Elena LaVictoire on March 23, 2011 at 6:22pm: Hi Lesa,

The people who are going to judge, are just going to judge - that's their problem!

People who are a little more "seasoned" realize that you can't determine the faithfulness of the couple by the size of their family and as the catechism says, couples who suffer infertility are joined with Christ's suffering on the cross.

I'll say a prayer for your family as well. I'm sure God has a wonderful plan!

Comment by Michael Hecker on March 7, 2011 at 2:45pm: Lesa,

Thank you, thank you, thank you for you honesty and courage in this posting. My wife and I have a big family and do feel blessed by each and every child. However, we too have crosses to bear that come with a large family. Transportation, clothing, shelter, food, vacations, Catholic Schools all cost more with the big family. In addition most big families are forced to survive on a single income which makes lifes challenges even more difficult.

I am sorry that your faithfulness has been judged by others that see you as having had "only two children". I believe, as many others do, that you have shown your faithfulness by being open to life and by gracefully accepting God's will and the deaths of your daughters. As you know, raising Godly children in a Godless society is difficult at best and akin to swiming up stream in a flood.

With all of this being said, I believe you have the right answer to life and that is to pray. Pray for one another as faithful Catholics should. It is people like you that make me love the Catholic church so much. I see and feel the Body of Christ in you and your faith. Thank you.

Comment by Geralyn Koehler on March 7, 2011 at 10:12am: Perhaps your family of four can prayerfully considering adoption or fostering. My mother, oldest sister and both of my children are adopted--through our infertility issues, God led us to another rewarding, loving course.

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