A heavy heart...need to unload

Funny, as soon as I wrote that title, I realized the one thing I have not done yet for the week that would help is - CONFESSION. I think Saturday is calling my name....

I know most times feelings are VALID, and there are two sides to every street, 2 sides to every situation, but I feel SO badly this week for MY side of it all.

I've been blogging, or mostly hinting, about some of the troubles I've been facing the last few weeks that have been sucking my spirit dry (leaving me needing the Spirit more than EVER!) and blessedly, they are nothing as terrible as Kate Wicker's dear friend who lost her baby at 36 weeks. I needed that perspective. I'm praying so hard for that precious soul and her parents and family. I can't imagine....

I could not really blog on my site in depth because some of the friends who I'm feeling so guilty about read me there, and I don't want to talk about this there. This blog feels more private because no one knows I have this one here on F&FL aside from the readers of F&FL.

In the last 2 weeks, I've been dealing with the arrest of a dear friend and the fallout from this and the secrets pouring out are killing us. I've also had to confront my fear of confrontation and facing feelings that build up inside of me. A friend I've known for years had become more aggressive in her comments that were hurting my spirit. After a very hurtful lunch where I felt like her punching bag and "took" it, I soul searched and decided I needed to stand up for myself, let her know how she hurt me, but extend my hand in trying to work it out in forgiveness. At this time, she is not ready. She sees me as a people pleaser, trying to make things "ok" for everyone, and being too sensitive. Truthfully, she is right. I am not trying to be a people pleaser, but it totally comes out that way!! To her personality, I'm oil to her water and she can't take it anymore. So, she has parted ways with me. I'm sad, but hopeful for reconciliation one day.

On another front, another DEAR friend and her husband, and me and my husband have been caught in a painful situation that can hurt any neighbors and friends over pets, children, a bite and dealing with that situation. Both of us miscommunicated over many months either in words or behavior as the bite situation was being rectified but it was taking so long and Hubby and I grew hurt and assumed many things from their actions. We tried to ignore our feelings, not mention them, see them as wonderful people and not the situation causing us pain. On their end, they never caught on we were so hurt, even from comments made and new rules invented to seep things long, so when things finally could not stay bottled up - they were left very confused at our feelings, hurt and anger. It is a mess now, very complicated, and now that we know they were not trying to end our friendship, or choosing certain actions above friendship...we are ashamed, sorry, and have told them as such and sorry for hiding our feelings for so long. We have not heard from them....so I'm very afraid I've wrecked things. I wish now I had not shared my feelings. I keep praying that this trial by fire could make our friendship really strong....but unless we've burned bridges, they have the right to walk away. I think both sides misread signals, and each couple were afraid of confrontation and being honest, and so both withdrew...but still, we were the ones to be honest first and it could have changed everything. I hope we can apologize in person and they let us and we can survive this. They have been wonderful friends to us, and now that this veil of confusion is lifted, I now know that they were not using our friendship. Man, writing that was so hard. I'm so ashamed.

That above situation is killing me. I keep checking the phones for a call, and my inbox for an e-mail....the silence is deafening. When I drive into our driveway and see their home, cars, and knowing what I know - this silence - it feels like a black hole next door draining all my energy.

Along with that, our 1 year old didn't gain weight from her 9 month appt, so she had to go for blood testing today, and we need to bump up her food. Insurance calls that "failure to thrive" . Nice sounding, huh? Blessedly, I've gotten great advice on the Kids and Parenting group and thank everyone for their comments. Plus, she made some eating strides today (i.e. using a sippy cup and eating with her hands!) that I'll update the group with. AMEN!

And, TMI, another thing affecting me the last two week was my 1st walk with PMS after 2 years....I can see why I melted down with the news of my 1 year old, and maybe, just maybe, hit my breaking point with our friends? I don't know....

So, lots of personal loss with people dear to me, alive, and so close that it is killing me, parenting worries, and BIG MISTAKES on my part. I regret so much, and am scared to lose people who are like family to me, and hope I can be forgiven.

I guess I just wanted to unburden and come clean here too....and yes...I sense a long confession on Saturday. Thanks for your prayers, honesty, and support. I can't talk to my IRL friends about this because it would be character assassination/gossip so I feel alone and burdened.

Thanks and I'm praying for you too!!! God Bless you!
~ViolinMama