The Community for Catholic Moms

Elijah was stillborn a month ago, how do you get through this?

I've never posted anything before so I really hope I get this right, because I need to hear from some of you who have been through this. I have four children at home and three in heaven--two miscarriages (early) and now the stillborn. We homeschool so the kids are always around. I'm trying not to cry alot in front of them but they know I'm not myself and they know I'm very sad. All I want is a baby in my arms, my baby, Elijah. We just never thought this could happen, it blindsided us. Please tell me your stories and ask me about mine. My family and friends are trying in their own ways to be supportive, but most everyone is tip toeing around the subject of Elijah and its driving me crazy.

Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by S J on July 11, 2010 at 2:34pm

I thought of my aunt's blogspot for you when you mentioned keeping your hands busy in your last entry. The blogspot "makingitbetter.typepad.com" is by a mom of 8 whose 13 year old son died several years ago. Making things, using her hands to keep busy, sewing, quiliting and knitting have helped her to deal with her grief. She shares about family, household happenings, religion, death, sewing, knitting, etc. in a very genuine and thoughtful manner. I have found her insights helpful in struggling with my sadness over my stillbirth 11 months ago.

Permalink Reply by MT Martin on July 16, 2010 at 6:58pm

Its the Feast of Our Lady of Mount Carmel. It was one the days I was hoping I would be delivering Elijah. My next doctor visit I was going in with a list of dates ready, to plan my 1st c-section. Today was much harder than I had thought it would be. Its still so hard to process. I am still crying everyday. If anything it seems worse in some ways now than a month ago. Any thoughts Ladies...

Permalink Reply by Karen Murphy Corr on January 1, 2011 at 6:28pm

Hi MT:

Checking in on this page. I'm so sorry I didn't see your post asking for more help. Feel free to message me privately if you need to talk because I'm not getting notified otherwise - and we had a really awful summer - my husband was laid off temporarily (so no severance) - no warning - such stress. I freelance and was doing my best to drum up work and fall was just busy. I'm going to check out your aunt's blog - sounds very inspirational through her honest sharing. How are you feeling now? Grief is such a hard thing to navigate and I know personally I've felt that after a few months not too many people had much patience for me "still" being sad. I found myself wishing we lived 100 years ago when I'd be expected to be in mourning for two years. Nowadays people want it over - but it's okay to plan a wedding for two years and talk about it non-stop. Sigh. The first year was agony for me and I've felt stronger since passing the first anniversary of our George's death. I hope and pray that you are feeling more at peace and stronger as the months tick by. Please do let us know how you're doing and I'm hoping 2011 is a kinder and gentler year for all of us. (((Hugs)))

Permalink Reply by MT Martin on January 2, 2011 at 7:35pm

Oh that was another gal's aunt. Its a neat site. I need to check it out again, its been awhile.

This year has been one thing after another for us, too. Its hard when hubby is struggling with work issues. My husband is a contractor running his own show. He says he has to keep the mindset that he is out of work all the time. Once a job is over there better be another waiting or in progress.

I really thought this would be the year Christmas didn't happen. But that was foolish, God always finds a way, even this year. Christmas was hard for me, though. I just wrote Elizabeth back and noted how sometimes the pain comes out of nowhere. Christmas had many of those moments. This year I saw the Holy Family in a whole new light. It doned on me Our Lady might have felt like her birthing experiance wasn't quite what she had in mind. This was all wrong for such a baby to have to endure all this. And maybe that was a bit scarey. Maybe Joseph wondered what in the world he was suppose to do. What would be the right thing to help this woman he loved so. Having a baby in a stable has always looked and felt different until this year. So I cried all through Mass and was terribly embarrassed, because you know it has been long enough--no more tears allowed. I just carry a hankie with me everywhere now and still refuse to wear waterproof mascara!!! Thanks for writing back. I still have so much inside and not much way to process it. Thank God I married a St. Joseph or they would have to cart me off.

Permalink Reply by Karen Murphy Corr on January 10, 2011 at 4:33pm

Grief is so hard. It's just a beast - unexpectedly rises when you least expect it. That's how I've felt, too. Things trigger memories - and just as you've said I found Christmas last year (our first after George's death) very bittersweet and wept a lot. I found Easter even more heartwrenching, thinking about Mary at the foot of the cross and *knowing* the agony of losing a child - and mine went peacefully and surrounded by love. I read your reply (very kind - your warmth and love come through) to Elizabeth and when you mentioned your little one's cold skin after a bath taking you right back to that moment - I get that. And it sounds as though you, like me, are suffering with PTSD. Have you read about it? With PTSD we relive the trauma rather than remember. And no doubt after the shocks we've had. I'm going to do that treatment with my trauma psychologist neighbour and I'll fill you in. I need to process it. At first I resisted I think because I didn't want any of my memories of George to diminish - but - I understand now that is not the case. It's just that they will be memories and not reliving the events. My friend and babylost mum just did treatment for PTSD and she said it's the best thing she could have done. She is still sad and weepy and has good days and bad days - that's just grief really - but it's not the same instant back there in the moment flashbacks. I'm glad your husband is so supportive. My husband and I grieve very differently so it has been a challenge at times - more recently than at first - he fears I'm "dwelling" instead of understanding that I'm processing through remembering. We had a couples counsellor talk at our infant loss group and she said this different way of coping is typical for women and men - that helped! She said women want and need to talk and remember while men want to get busy and move on. Having the little local group of other bereaved mums - plus babylost mums I've met online - has been a huge help to me on this journey - just knowing I'm not alone and having people to chat with who understand (and don't feel I should be "over" the death of a child - as if anyone gets over it - just through it). One mum I know read in a book that, "grief outlasts sympathy" - which resonated with many of us. I found myself wishing I lived 100 years ago when grieving for two years would be *normal*. I mean, I feel I'm doing very well - I'm happy and have fun and laugh - but there are times that are still after a year and a half very hard. But so many people don't want to hear that. My one very good friend is doing her masters in family therapy - she's been there every step of the way with me even though she lives in another province. She observed different comments on FB and when were talking she said she's amazed at how uncomfortable so many people are with sorrow - they want it gone. To talk about wedding plans for a year is fine and normal but after mere weeks people would ask me if I was "over" the death of my baby.... it is strange. I'm sorry we've met under these circumstances, but I'm so glad to be in touch and sharing. I'm thinking of you and keeping you in prayer. (((Hugs)))