Elijah was stillborn a month ago, how do you get through this?

Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Amy Marie Seltzer, MEV on July 5, 2010 at 1:36pm

I don't know. That is all I can say at this point in my life. I have three at home (homeschooled as well) and four in heaven (including my daughter Teresa, stillborn last September). I am REALLY struggling through this. I was accepting the first week, then went through a heavy depression for a few weeks after that. The following couple of months I was SO ANGRY!!! And now, I feel lost and full of apathy. It is a roller coaster for sure, one that I also was blindsided by. Who would ever imagine this happening to them? The only thing I still want is my daughter in my arms. I do not think that is ever going to go away, but I don't know. I wish I had something positive and nurturing to say, but frankly, I am still such a mess that I do not have much to give right now. I just wanted you to know that you are not alone, that your feelings are not uncommon, and the craziness that is your emotional state right now is normal for what we have been through.

I have had to give up on gaining support from those around me. The only one that wants to talk about it (aside from my husband) lives several states away, so she cannot be here for me. I so wish she could.

I still cry everyday, I still feel empty, and I still have not mended my relationship with God. I still have the Faith in my head, but my heart has gone cold. What to do about this, I don't know. I feel so disconnected from Christ, and no matter how I try, I just cannot bring myself to pray. It seems so out of my reach right now. This scares me, and is hard to explain, but I wanted to let you know as so few Catholic mothers seem to be willing to talk about a crisis of faith experienced after losing a child. I just feel so lost, and going through the motions is the best I can offer right now.

(((HUGS))) for you. I am so sorry, and I'm crying with you.

Permalink Reply by MT Martin on July 5, 2010 at 6:33pm

Thank-you for responding to me. I was beginning to think there were no Catholic moms to be found out there in internet land. When did you lose you babies? The miscarriages I had were back to back and then I had my youngest son-he is about to turn 3. Those loses actually brought me closer to God, but I cried and cried. I remember sobbing with a terrible migraine trying to praise God's mercy and goodness. I didn't think I could feel worse but I didn't know what else to do. We tried a year to have my last son ( the 3 year old). Elijah was our surprise, we were not going to have anymore children. (My husband didn't want more babies after he turned 40. ) It was so wonderful to be pregnant again. Now after losing Elijah--He was almost 32 weeks, he was 5lbs. We were so close to having him. God didn't want my praise through tears this time. He just wanted me to stay with Him. And it's a good thing because I can't really put much into words with Him like I could before, all I can do is sit knowing I am in His Presence. It was easier in the hospital and the first week than it is now. The funeral Mass and the burial were hard but it really feels harder now. I wanted to go to the grave today but I would have had to bring the kids, and they need a bit of a break from it all.

Permalink Reply by Amy Marie Seltzer, MEV on July 6, 2010 at 2:53pm

"I can't really put much into words with Him like I could before, all I can do is sit knowing I am in His Presence."

Today is my birthday. I asked the Lord (pleaded, really) for a gift. I wanted something to help me through this difficulty of no longer being able to converse with Him. Something that would let me know that I am not separated from Him. I count your words as my gift, and I am so very grateful. I cannot express how this insight has helped me already today and how I know it will continue to support support me. Thank you so very much. May Elijah and Teresa delight in each other in heaven, and may they never cease praying for their heartbroken mothers.

Permalink Reply by MT Martin on July 7, 2010 at 11:53am

After I read you response I just wanted to cry and praise our mighty Lord's Love. It brings great joy to me also (and at a time when joy is even more precious). Just think, He is working though us to help heal such deep, deep wounds. I sang out " The Lord has done great things for us we are filled with joy". It's from Psalm 126. I had to go and find it and read the whole Psalm, I couldn't remember the gist of it. It appears in the Divine Office alot. The Office, Psalms in general, have been so helpful to both my husband and I. Anyway go and read it. Thank-you for sharing this with me. It really makes all this pain in some crazy way make some sense.

Permalink Reply by Elena LaVictoire on July 7, 2010 at 12:08pm

I more often than not took the kids with me to the grave site. Bring a snack, take your camera, visit other graves around your baby's grave. Let the kids place the flowers, or stuffed animal or whatever little memento you would like to leave! It doesn't have to be much. I see pennies and candy and all kinds of little things left on baby graves at the cemetery.

Go to the older part of the cemetery and look at those graves too. Cemeteries are really beautiful, peaceful and historical places. They are sad but they can be fun too. Make your trips there memorable for you and your children.

These weeks after the funeral, in my opinion, are VERY hard. It's like the world has gone on but you are still stuck in place. It will get better, I promise you. Just stay where you need to be right now. This is your time for grief and tears and that's a good thing. It's always a good thing to do things in their time.

Prayers for you during this time.

Permalink Reply by Jamie Baugh on July 5, 2010 at 3:12pm

I'm so sorry for your loss of Elijah! I lost my Helen almost a year ago. She lived for two days. I'm sure that as each day goes by, you will grow in strength. But I've found that after a few months, there's a "forever sad" that will just be with you, as a permanent backdrop to your life as a mother. But it isn't so crippling as at the beginning. Something helped me a lot. From the very first day I made myself picture Helen as a grown up. A tall, beautiful, thirty year old, a lovely mix of my older daughters. That image matches better with the reality that she lives in now, in heaven with God and the saints. If I dwell on the image of her as I saw her here on earth--a weak, sick, fuzzy, tiny, intubated newborn--I truly can't bear it. But that part of her life, of all our lives, is fleeting, it's nothing. Her life now is glorious! I think of her as my superior! And I can keep moving that way. It also has the benefit of being True.

Permalink Reply by Elena LaVictoire on July 5, 2010 at 4:29pm

I am so sorry that this happened to you. It happened to me in 2002. I have some links and my own stillbirth story here.

I can tell you that the pain, over time, will get better.
Don't hide your feelings, talk about your baby and feel free to commemorate his life, because regardless of how long he lived, he was still part of God's eternal plan, and that always deserves to be recognized.

Permalink Reply by Ellen Gable Hrkach on July 7, 2010 at 9:02am

I am so sorry for your loss, MT, and to Amy Marie, Jamie and Elena for their losses. In this day and age, with all the life-saving technologies that we have available to us, it is expected that a baby will come from a couple's openness to life, but as I have found with myself and with others, this doesn't always happen. With my first pregnancy, we were thrilled to realize that we were expecting twins, but because of miscarriage and ectopic pregnancy, I left the hospital with neither in my arms. Since then, I have had three more miscarriages (at varying times in pregnancy) and two more ectopic pregnancies, but I have also, thankfully, given birth to five sons (now ages 11-23...homeschooled until high school). There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of those precious souls that are now in heaven.

I agree with Jamie that there's a "forever sad," but I agree that it isn't so "crippling as at the beginning." The following story comforted me greatly. The mother of a friend of mine (who had had four miscarriages at varying times in her pregnancies) when she was dying, said, "They're singing to me." My friend thought it was the angels, but her mother shook her head and said, "No, my babies are singing to me."

I agree with Elena's advice not to hide your feelings and to talk about baby Elijah and to commemorate his life.

Amy Marie, I also had a crisis of faith, especially after having two miscarriages in a row. I was angry with God because I really, really wanted another baby, and I couldn't understand why He allows some women to get pregnant and they have abortions. I was so depressed that I began to ignore my two little boys (ages 18 months and three at the time.)

My prayer is that all of our babies are "delighting in each other" in heaven as Ann Marie said and that they're "praying for their heartbroken mothers." I pray that God gives each of you the grace to endure the pain and grief of losing your precious babies. God bless you all...

Permalink Reply by Theresa Foster on July 7, 2010 at 6:38pm

I am so sorry about your loss(es). Not a day goes by when I don't think about a child that I lost. I heard a Mother Angelica show one time that spoke to me. The caller lost an infant and in her relpy Mother talked about all of the "missed events" that are part of our grieving and she told the caller that the child didn't actually miss out on any of them because he or she with God. It made me feel better because part of grieving for me was thinking about my child's first Holy Communion and other such events. I include the baby in my daily prayers. You can enroll your children who died before baptism in the Church of the Holy Innocents in Manhattan and their name is put in the book of life www.innocents.com/shrine should take you to their website.
I have been praying for you every day since I read your post. Time will help and remember that it is not the end of your maternity and someday you will meet your little one. In the meantime I imagine our Blessed Mother holding and playing with my child and all others who were never held or played with by us.
God Bless you and your family.

Permalink Reply by Karen Murphy Corr on July 8, 2010 at 12:36pm

Hi MT. I'm so very sorry for your loss and I'm so sorry to be late in responding when you posted in your grief on the 5th - for some reason I didn't get an email that you had posted - I got one that someone else responded last night. I'm so very sorry to hear that you lost your baby Elijah and I feel for you in your raw grief because we lost our baby boy George (full-term stillborn) a year ago in May. It is a shock and you're still a post-partum mum - I kept telling people they needed to remember that I had a baby - he died and so I was still a post-partum mum with all the hormones and none of the perks. I blog at www.busyhandsbc.blogspot.com and there are several bereaved mums online who blog. I'm on FB as well and if you feel you want to friend me there we babylost mums try to support each other day-to-day on FB, too. I likewise found out about the Shrine of the Holy Innocents in NYC and when I emailed the other month to add George and our miscarried baby a new priest there emailed me right back. I was so touched by his response and kindness. There are other ministries online and I have them linked in the sidebar of my blog if you're interested. Ellen who replied below had shared with me about Morning Light Ministry and Bernadette who runs that is just an amazing woman of grace. I spoke with her last summer on a very sad day (we moved a month after our baby died so I ended up in a new community with the four older children and no supports). I feel dreadful that I missed your original post. I've met some babylost mums at the children's new school here and they had their losses a few years ago. They've told me it never goes away - it's always there - but it gets less raw with time. My grandmas both lost babies and my Grandma M has likewise said there isn't a day she doesn't remember her baby Dan but she tells me to focus on the other children and get through day by day and it will get easier. I found George's anniversary very hard - and miscarried twins around that time. Anyway, I'm here and I'm so touched by all the love and responses from the other F&F babylost mums. If you want to talk on the phone I'm happy to share my # with you as well. Oh - best resource we were given for our older children is a book from www.griefwatch.com called, "We were going to have a baby but we had an angel instead." It's very lovely and talks about grief - without glossing over the very real sadness children feel. I also have resources from a speaker at our little local infant loss group who specializes in children and grief that I'm happy to copy and mail to anyone who wants to read them. Must go but keeping you and baby Elijah in prayer and all the other babylost mums and their babies, too.

Permalink Reply by MT Martin on July 11, 2010 at 1:53pm

I'm so glad for your response. Truely this is so helpful to me. I am finding that I am still very much in hormone hell. I think I'm ok and then stumble across little things I've done or forgotten to do that remind me vividly I am indeed not ok. I'm usually an organized mom. My grocery list is almost empty and its not because I've been shopping. My house is clean but not like it usually is. The laundry is done just enough to keep us going. My husband is telling me things and I'm forgetting them. My family is of course totally understanding of all this, but to me it's just one more reminder I'm still a mom looking for my lost baby. I guess I always go through this after a delivery, I've just chalked it up to having a baby to nurse and care for.
Grief is random--I am seeing that with my kids. In fact I'm trying to take a lesson from it. When I'm sad I cry, when I'm happy I laugh and treasure it because who knows when I will feel like it again. Healing requires such patience and I lack that virtue (and many others).
I notice your blog is busy hands. Thats funny, one of the things I've done to try and cope is keep busy with tatting, sewing, all the stuff I don't do as frequently as I did before homeschooling. My daughter has been doing the same thing, her sewing has saved her. Anything I can sit quietly and do without thinking has been soothing to me. I haven't been to your blog yet but I think I'll make it today. Again thank all of you for responding. It is such a blessing to have this outlet.

Permalink Reply by Karen Murphy Corr on July 8, 2010 at 12:58pm

The reason I mention the book is because it helped explain how mum is sad - and that's okay - and dad is sad - and that's okay - and that the grandparents are sad - and that's okay - and that not everyone is sad in the same way. I cried so much last summer and since and I just tell them I'm happy with them but sad that George died - I'm happy he's in heaven but I wish he was with us longer. They seem fine and happy and settled for the most part. I personally feel that my children are very intuitive and perceptive - if I lie and say I'm not sad or try not to show my grief then they still know - and I don't want them to think that grief is bad or wrong. It's so hard and I worried so much about how to best handle it. By God's Providence we have a neighbour who is an Anglican priest and psychologist specializing in trauma. He has spoken with all of us and with me without the children and that helped a lot to feel we were helping the children with the bereavement and also still grieving ourselves. Another book by the same author and illustrator is, "Tear Soup." It's more for older children but my littler ones listened to it as well. It talks about the grief process and how it is what it is and everyone needs time. One quote I read last year that has also resonated with us is that, "Children's grief is random. They grieve and then they play." I've found that their grief surfaces at different times - and that speaker at our group said they will come to new understanding of the loss of their sibling with each stage of development - so to expect that it will be revisited. Sending you love'n prayers.

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