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Struggles with NFP and How to Support Wife?

My wife and I have been practicing NFP since we were married three years ago. Well, we practiced it for 2 months casually and were open to children, so God gifted us with a new life. My wife got her period back one time after fertility returned when the first child was ~9 months old. We became pregnant after not recording temperatures as much as we should and not abstaining. My wife felt some frustration with this pregnancy because she felt that she wasn't physically or mentally prepared for this next child. Fast forward 9 months and my wife is starting to get her period back. She is scared, so I have been told, of becoming pregnant at this time because she feels even more unprepared for another pregnancy since she feels overwhelmed at times with our two kids. I am trying to be supportive but we do have two different opinions on the situation; she wants to practice NFP and try not to get pregnant for a few more months while she catches her breath and learns to better deal with the two children. I am hesitant to delay pregnancy because I think that she has grown so much with these two children and that God has given her the grace to handle situations she never thought were possible two years ago. We have been blessed with good jobs, stable incomes, and the ability to support ourselves comfortably. I understand that I have not carried a child, not given birth, and that much of the pressure is not on me to handle these children (I work full time).

Do you all have any tips for us on how you have handled practicing NFP after childbirth and how to relate to each other? From what I have seen on blogs on the Faith and Family website parents usually feel overwhelmed at times and struggle with balancing being open to life and their fertility and wanting to delay the next child to maintain sanity. Thanks in advance.

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Permalink Reply by Abby Sasscer on July 13, 2009 at 11:23pm
Hi,

I have a life threatening illness that requires us to use the most conservative rule of NFP. In our case, we simply learned to accept our situation, pray together as a family and surrender our future to our Heavely Father. With that being said, my husband and I try to find creative ways to show our love for each other during our fertile time. We spend time talking to each other about our day and tell funny stories about our children. We would also watch movies together when the children are asleep. We write each other letters of appreciation especially during birthdays, Christmas, etc., We renew our vows in front of our children every First Sunday of each month after Mass. Most importantly, having a deep, intimate and personal friendship with God helps us get through the ups and downs of life. We pray together as a family and try to spend quiet time with Jesus everyday. My illness reminds us everyday that we should cherish each other despite all our fears, doubts, frustrations, etc. Hope this helps and my prayers are with you !
Permalink Reply by Diana H. on July 15, 2009 at 8:42pm
You are SO inspiring.
Permalink Reply by Diana H. on July 16, 2009 at 11:27pm
I meant that Abby's post was inspiring... oops...
Permalink Reply by Mother of 2 on July 14, 2009 at 9:59am
Abby said it better than i could have ....... Listen to your wife
Pray , Pray , pray and talk
I would also like to know how you could talk to a husband who has a different opinion on the matter without alienating him
Permalink Reply by Mary Brazeau on July 16, 2009 at 8:08am
Never ever take your wife's sanity for granted. It is a precious thing. Nothing will make her feel so loved as to know you heard her, trusted her and gave her some time. Yes she will be ready again.
Permalink Reply by katies3boys on July 17, 2009 at 1:51pm
I have to agree! Your wife's sanity is so important (and her belief that she can handle the kids now).

First, I am sure that if you were blessed with third child now, God would give your wife the grace to handle all that came her way. But, I think it is important for her to feel that the timing in right too. I cannot add anything more profound than what has already been said. Pray, pray, pray. Pray together. Have individual prayer time and talk about where each of you feel God is leading you. Be supportive of your wife and work to understand where she is coming from.

I can relate to her. My third is one year old now and I do not feel like I have a good handle on things yet to welcome another child into our home. I feel like I am just getting to the point where I am getting into a good routine where I could handle being pregnant and having a newborn again. My husband is very understanding and prayerful too. He has been great in being patient with me and looking for signs that I feel ready to try to get pregnant.
Permalink Reply by Sarah on July 16, 2009 at 10:21am
Hi Peter-
Your wife sounds stressed out. It is very lonely and can be stressful to be at home all day with two young children. You state that much of the pressure of handling the children is on her. I think that is the first thing to look at. I think it is important for you to really figure out why your wife feels the way she does, and really listen to her openly. I obviously don't know you or how involved you are so I am speaking from my own experience, but is it possible that she feels that you are not involved enough. At the end of the day, she is probably feeling lonely, stressed out, overwhelmed and really needing a fresh face to come in and cheerfully take the kids and keep them happy for a few minutes so that she can sit down and think without constant interruption or someone climbing on her. When I had just two little kids, I would be counting down the hours until daddy cam home, thinking that when he got there, I could get a little break (even if it was just for 15 min-- or to use the bathroom alone) and have some of the pressure taken from me. But it rarely happened. My husband would come in usually with a negative attitude, or feel like now he gets to take a break from work until tomorrow morning, leaving me to still deal with the kids all evening. On the nights that he would help out, it was grudgingly, so I didn't feel like it was a break for me. Instead I felt worse, because not only was I stressed out, but now I am handing my kids off to someone who is acting like it is painful to spend time with them. So I would have to dig down deep and find some cheer (or fake it) and just take over again. Now, with 4 kids, I feel like I rarely ever get a mental break, because that behavior has only gotten worse. I have tried to talk to him about it many, many times, but he doesn't listen or tells me I am too demanding. I am telling you this to just try to help you see what your wife might be thinking (of course, that might not be it at all-- you might be one of those dads who walks in the door and enjoys spending time with his kids and is sensitive to his wife's needs) Talk to her, and really listen and ask her what she needs to be able to feel like she is ready to have more children.... and then really try to work with her.
Permalink Reply by Maria-Helena Uribe on July 16, 2009 at 10:21am
Using NFP for over 12 years now, my husband and I were able to space our children 2 to 2 1/2 years apart with minimal effort... the ecological breastfeeding helped with that. It wasn't until now that we have 5 children and need a break from having more, as our baby has developmental delays that are challenging and time-consuming, that we have required more abstinence of ourselves. We also teach NFP, and my husband usually shares with the class that when periods of abstinence are challenging, keeping his mind and body busy with physical exercise or yard work... or just staying up really late watching movies, til he's really tired, can help keep his mind off of things. Help your wife with remembering to take her temps, remind her to make her observations, offer to help chart it for her... there are any number of things you can do to be supportive in her efforts. Take a refresher course if you need to. Your wife may only need an extra six months to a year before she decides she's ready for #3, you never know. Remember to keep up your chaste courtship during your periods of abstinence, and your marriage will be strengthened. Good Luck and God Bless you and your family!!!
Permalink Reply by Mary L. on July 16, 2009 at 3:13pm
I second looking into ecological breastfeeding as a practical way of both spacing the children a little more, giving mom the extra time her body needs to repair and eventually be able to produce another healthy baby AND mom. I have 11 children, all a little over 2 years apart, that were spaced mostly by breastfeeding alone. If that's not your case( ecological breastfeeding), I agree with the other posters, do all you can to support her physically and mentally and also spiritually. It's a blessing you are well off financially, I'm sure that's a big help to your wife. Help her get extra rest, nourishing foods, some exercise or a bubble bath, time to read a spiritual book, attend an extra mass or watch EWTN etc. And especially pray for her, nurture her and your children. Cherish them as your family today. See what God has in store for you all tomorrow, but don't feel rushed.
Permalink Reply by Erika Drain on July 17, 2009 at 12:20am
Hi Peter! My DH and I (he's sitting right next to me and reading your post) practice NFP but we use a different model than the Couple to Couple League, we use Creighton. We did ecological breastfeeding (which does help A LOT) but I got pregnant when our son was only 6 months old because of his nursing style (grazing and not nursing for long periods of time around the clock - night time nursing is especially important in delaying fertility). Since they are only 16 months apart, we felt that our next baby needed to be spaced a little more, for many reasons (a lot of what your wife is telling you). We then asked our priest for advice and he suggested contacting a Catholic nurse who trained us in using the Creighton Model (which in addition to charting, like CCL, it also allows daily observations even before you begin a new cycle). You don't have to check your temperature (although some of my friends who switched to using Creighton still do) because she would be charting daily mucus observations. That's the technical aspect.

More important than this is the emotional and spiritual friction that you are having. (This is my DH dictating now as I type). You have a responsibility to be aware of your wife's emotional and spiritual needs and understand that it seems to me she's more than a little stressed out about the idea of having a child right now. This is like the opposite of couples on contraception fighting over when to have children. You want children and are willing to be natural about it but you have to respect your wife's needs and it sounds to me like you two need to get up to speed on Creighton and allow her some breathing room.

(Back to me... ;) ) We were where you are right now prior to talking to our Pastor. Learning Creighton has truly given us peace of mind and gained control of what is going on as we watch my fertility. To be PERFECTLY frank about this neither one of us want to use NFP at all and would love to go total "providential" about our fertility but we've come to realize there are a large number of benefits to having kids a couple of years apart for us as a couple and for our children. We know people who've had child after child and are fine with it (we look up to them, actually) but that's the benefit to NFP and why the Church "allows" it and you can be morally acceptable to God and still have the planning/breathing room that you need. We will be praying for you and your family! GBY! Erika (& Todd)

But as Blessed Mother Teresa says, "saying there are too many children in this world is like saying there are too many flowers!"

Permalink Reply by peterwp on July 17, 2009 at 9:39pm
Thank you, all of you, for the wonderful feedback. All of the comments help me learn in their own unique way. My wife has been monitoring this thread as well and she is very excited about using the Creighton method. She feels this might be helpful since she is ecologically breastfeeding. Since posting this we have talked about the subject more and prayed. Thankfully we are now at peace in our discussions. Thanks again for the help, this is a wonderful community.
Permalink Reply by Kristin Detloff on July 25, 2009 at 10:50pm
You've had some wonderful responses here. I can relate to so much of what I have read. I did want to add one thing to consider however. We did a Bradley Birth class for our first pregnancy and I always remembered during one of the classes when the husband talked specifically about being patient with his wife and tending to her needs post baby. They spoke of research and personal experience that indicates that hormonally and physiologically a woman doesn't really get back to being "herself" for most commonly 1 year after having a baby. I should note they were not at all discouraging us from having children close together but rather encouraging husbands to be patient and loving with there wives knowing that their wife's pre-baby personality, humor, strength, etc will often return. After we had our first, my cycle came back after 6 months even with only breastfeeding and we decided to try again. We got pregnant the first month and after having our second I too felt like I needed some time before trying for #3. I had forgotten about what was said in our class but my husband and I both noticed a difference in how I felt physically, how I acted emotionally, and just my over all ability to handle stress after that 1 year mark. It was like I felt like myself again. I felt stronger and I was ready. We tried for 6 months to conceive number 3 and are due late this September. Although this has been a more difficult pregnancy then with our first two for medical reasons, I have really been able to enjoy it and cherish it rather then going through it in a haze like I felt at times with our second pregnancy. The best analogy I can use is that after number two I felt for a long time like I was swimming. I liked swimming, but after a while I got tired and had to work harder and harder to keep my head above water. Like if I really wasn't being vigilant I could just slip right under. In hindsight I think this may have been some sort of low level of postpartum depression. I never had any of the more sever symptoms like wanting to harm or not be around my children, but I felt constantly overwhelmed and just very weak. I think sometimes these emotions are our bodies warning us to slow down and enjoy what God has given us. Taking care of ourselves so we can take care of our families. I love being a stay-at-home mom, but I think the best way I heard it put is that as a stay at home mom there is no time off, only time away. We have to be very careful to care for our emotional and psychological well being for the sake of our children and spouse and selves. And it's so hard to do I think because it's not like saying you need time off from your job....your saying you need time off from your family which most often is either not quite an accurate statement, or is what we need, but not what we want, and we feel guilty for it which just compounds the issues. I guess my main thought is that you need to trust your wife to be honest with you right now. If she tells you that this is something she NEEDS you need to believe her with all your heart. You can pray for her change of heart and her readiness for more children, but at such an early point post baby what she needs from you as the head of the house and her rock is your unconditional love and support. She needs to know it's OK to feel overwhelmed and she needs to know she can come to you and even if you can't understand you can accept her and trust her to be honest with her needs right now.

I have probably written way too much already! But on the NFP method note we were trained in Creighton and are now teachers for CCL's sympto-thermal method. I would say we use a combination of the two. I feel like we commonly use the Creighton specificity regarding the cervical mucus side of things but I LOVE having the temperature sign to confirm ovulation rather then asking the "was I stressed out and was it a false peak" type questions. That being said I know Creighton does have the temping info but I don't think it's a normal part of their instruction. Your wife might find some peace from having the temping to confirm if her mucus peaks are true ovulation in these first few cycles. I loved Creighton, but we had never learned the temping option and I found a lot of confidence in being able to cross reference temps with mucus with cervix if I needed. That being said if you do Creighton I'm sure you can request the temping info.

May God bless you both! I will keep you in my prayers!

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