Poll on crying it out...

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Permalink Reply by Kristin Detloff on January 22, 2010 at 5:37pm

I don't think we have ever used CIO in it's entirety. That being said I don't think that it's bad for you to let a child fuss/cry for a little while before going to them. We started letting our kids fuss a bit before going to them starting when they were maybe 3 months at the earliest. Then if it was bed time or nap time and they were tired we would go to them and pick them up and sooth them a bit without taking to them and just staying very calm. Then we would lay them back down again and try again. BUT if they were getting very upset it was all called off as I have no problem nursing my babies to sleep etc if that is what they need. I also firmly believe that every child has different cries. As they got older we were much more apt to go in earlier if they sounded scared or hurting vs just angry or that sleepy/fussy cry. Maybe it's because I"m at home with them but I could always tell a difference between one type of cry and the other and instinctively knew if they needed me or were just fussing. I also think sometimes when babies have a tough day or a lot of stimulation they do sometimes need to just cry a bit and get it out so they can relax. Also the more tired they are the harder it seems it is for them to get to sleep. I found with ours if I put them down at even the slightest sign of being tired they learned to fall asleep on their own much, much easier.

The thing I found interesting is that every child has such a different temperament. With our first we always thought we needed to rock or help them to sleep and he would just cry for hours while we worked with him. And we would try and keep him up during the day so he would sleep at night which was a HUGE mistake. With our second we were kind of where you are at and half out of desperation and half out of curiosity instead of working with him and having him scream we just layed him down. We did so just before we thought he would start to be tired. Surprise, surprise he went right to sleep. Seems we were overstimulating him just by holding/rocking him and all he wanted was a chance to relax on his own. I think my bottom line is that whatever I choose it has to be balanced. I am much more "whatever they need" for the first 2-3 months and then after that I start slowly trying to help them work though it on their own by letting them fuss/cry a bit longer the older they got. For me it's about following my instincts as a mother. Good luck to you.

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Permalink Reply by Corinne O'Brien on January 23, 2010 at 12:34pm

Up to age 1, I would always comfort them. Unless they are hungry, need to be changed or sick, they should be happy and of course, the closer to age 1 they get, more of their sleeping should be through the night with naps during the day. If they are crying more than this, I would take them to the Dr. My sister-in-law had a baby boy that was very fussy. The Dr. finally figured out he had ear issues, they put in tubes and he was a totally different child.

After age 1, especially at bedtime, my pediatrician said let them cry for 15 minutes. By then they should be asleep or probably something else is wrong.

I know it is not always as simple as this but with 6 children, this has been what I have used as my guideline. 3 of my children came to us as older foster children and 3 came to us as newborns. Sadly, 2 of them, now age 3 and 8, have been returned to the biomom.

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Permalink Reply by Tonya Baker on January 24, 2010 at 9:26am

I started that early at 4-5 months old because my children were also becoming sleep deprived. It took around 7days...and each day the crying time was shorter and shorter. But promptly at 7pm I laid them down and by 8pm they were asleep for the night. I was rested and so were they. Nap time was the same. I laid them down by themselves as to not confuse them whenever it is sleep time. In no time we were a very refreshed family. I did use the techniques of Dr Ferber and followed some of his basic guidelines. I would put a fan in the room for white noise, black out window curtains, and we were quiet until he fell asleep. Then we could retrun to our regular routine. After a month or so we would no longer need to be quiet as the baby himself was ready for bed and showed the visible unmistakeable signs. At age one my son (and daughters) would routinely come get me at 630 wanting a bath and bed. They even knew their bedtime without reading a clock...the internal clock was all they needed and still need. MY son is about to turn 2 and has always (even when we traveled across country from WA to IL) been ready for bed at a certain time. Its amazing how if we tune into the sleep patterns of little ones we can be better rested. I do keep the same routine...dinner, play, bath and bed. My son is like an alarm clock and wakes me up everyday at the same time. Never fails, unless he is sick. At 2 he tries to go to my bed because it is the place to hang out when folding laundry or having heart to heart talks with the older children but he knows "his bed" is in the crib. And yes he is still in a crib. Until he tries to climb out ...we are sticking with it. I know my way is not everyones but this is what has worked amazingly for us and we are true believers and users of the Ferber method. I need sleep to be the best for my kids...as a military wife my husband is not home alot to help and when he is I want him to get the sleep he needs. He is amazing and will let me sleep in on occassion.

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Permalink Reply by Arlene Thompson on January 25, 2010 at 9:35pm

Don't despair, you and your baby will get through this difficult period. I completely understand your hesitation in having another child. Over the years, my experience in getting my 5 children to sleep was definitely an exhausting one. You live and learn with your first child. I breastfed her until she was 17 months and she would wake up at least twice a night. After a multitude of advice from doctors, family and friends, I tried the CIO method in desperation. It was downright awful. The first night my child cried for almost 3 hours and I sat in the spare bedroom next door crying the whole time. I was ready to go in if she vomited from crying so hard. It was incredibly hard not to go in and comfort her, but I knew her well enough to know that if I did, all hopes of her getting herself to sleep would be lost. Eventually she stopped crying (from pure exhaustion) and we tried it again the next night. She cried for 45 minutes that night. So it took 2 weeks from that first night to be able to go through our bedtime routine, kiss her and lay her down awake and leave the room without her crying at all. I remember that day so well and I was eternally grateful.

My next four children were much easier to get to sleep through the night. Because I believed that babies sleep much better if they can get themselves to sleep without aid, I started when they were very young (3-4 months). I breastfed them all at least through their first year. Each one of my babies had a different tempermant, so I would adjust the CIO method accordingly. (It would be too long to write the details, but let me know if you want them.) Whatever you decide, just cuddle and softly kiss your baby lots and lots! Make sure baby is happy and full, then lay baby down, smile and walk away. You know his cries at this point, so if he's upset that your gone, give him 10-15 minutes. Come back when his cries escalate, don't pick him up, but lovingly assure him and leave again and repeat this until you feel it's not working (if baby is over one, then give it at least a dozen or so times). If baby is super upset, hold him for a moment to calm him down, perhaps sing a song and then try it again. Getting baby to sleep can be one of the most excruciating experiences ever! If you get super tired, enlist your husband's/friend's help. The very best of luck to you both!

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Permalink Reply by Mary Anne Plondke on January 26, 2010 at 11:46am

We never used the CIO method because my daughter would literally cry for 4-5 hours straight and get very upset and then throw up. I also felt bad for letting her cry so long at night. She is almost 2 now and finally has settled into sleeping all night long. We found that whenever teething was going on or a growth spurt was happening she would wake up every 3-4 hours and not be able to get back to sleep. I nursed her before bed and she would go to sleep on her own, so that was not the problem. It took us a few weeks to implement the "no cry sleep solution" but it did work. I also did not have to feel bad about her crying for hours with no end in sight. Here is the link to the article in case you are interested. I know it's talking about co-sleeping, but we just did it in my daughter's room with her in her crib. We found that early on she would wake up more while co-sleeping than she did in her own room. http://www.drjaygordon.com/development/ap/sleep.asp

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Permalink Reply by Erika Marie on January 26, 2010 at 4:07pm

You might like the No-Cry Sleep Solution. It is written by Elizabeth Pantley. She just so happens to be a columnist at Catholicmom.com and one of her articles was just posted: http://new.catholicmom.com/2010/01/26/baby-tantrums-by-elizabeth-pa...

I also recommend finding a good sling/wrap. My 3 month old has a cold and cough and using my gypsymama wrap has been one of the only ways to help him get a little sleep and still allow me to use my hands!

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Permalink Reply by Lucy Sheahan on January 27, 2010 at 2:19am

I demand fed our first and had to have someone come over so I could take a shower. Eventually he couldn't even take naps because he couldn't fall asleep while I held him. The thing about it was that he was just as tired and cranky as I was!

We had our next four babies on a routine (not an exact schedule) by the end of the first 8 weeks. We woke them up to feed them 7 times a day so they would slowly learn be awake at daytime and asleep at night.

Usually there was one 3am feeding that they would wake up and cry for, but after 8 weeks, we no longer fed them because we were sure they had received enough food during the day. We would check on them, change them if they had poop, rewrap them, rub their back, and eventually let them cry it out. It's just like when I get used to a late night snack--every night at that time my tummy says, "I'm hungry," when I really don't need any food, it's just become a habit.

Well despite my fears that I was warping them for life, and they would one day appear on Oprah and bemoan their babyhoods, the last four were much happier with their routines than the demand fed/demand attention baby. They're teens now, and they laugh when I tell them about this! :)

God Bless You!!!!Like so many things in life, kids are hard, but so worth it!

In Christ,
Lucy
www.mysticalrosedesign.com

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Permalink Reply by Amber Snipes on February 21, 2011 at 10:22pm

I totally agree with your philosophy, I've been on both ends and the latter works much better!

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Permalink Reply by Jenny on January 27, 2010 at 12:45pm

I've never let any of my children truly cry it out. Though with my first son we both shed many tears during the learning process. I will echo the idea of trying the No-Cry sleep solution. Also, you might want to head over to the library and check out every book on sleep. It is almost impossible to find a method that is perfect for you ad your son, but I found lots of info and tricks to use that allowed me to adapt to my different children and their different needs.

Having parented while deeply sleep deprived and not, I will say that not being sleep deprived is much better. Whatever my children might have lost by sleeping in their own beds or putting themselves to sleep, they more than regained in a sane happy mother.

Lastly it is worth while to consider a medical problem. I have one son who needs regular chiropractic adjustment to sleep well. My second son had GIRD. Both caused sleep issues which were nearly impossible to solve without addressing the medical issue.

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Permalink Reply by Diana H. on January 31, 2010 at 11:42pm

Thanks for all the replies. I read all of them with interest. I think children can be so different that I could never judge what anyone else does.
I heard Greg and Lisa Popcyk (Sp?) say on Catholic radio last week that new studies are showing that stress hormones flood a baby's brain when they are left to cry it out. Then the stress hormones remain there for hours. This little fact makes me think I'll never be able to leave a baby to cry, no matter what sleep deprivation does to me. As long as I keep having kids, I guess I'll just have to deal with it.
Thanks everyone.

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Permalink Reply by Vanessa on February 21, 2010 at 1:57pm

I just finished reading a great book called "Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child" by Dr. Marc Weissbluth. My baby is just turning 4 months old so I haven't tried the cry it out method yet, but he cites a lot of interesting information in the book. He talks about only ignoring protest crying because infants need to learn how to sleep. He says when they don't learn how to soothe themselves when they are infants, they continue to have sleep problems into adulthood. He says that by rushing in at every cry, we are fragmenting an infant's sleep. Where if we let them learn to soothe themselves back to sleep, the result is consolidated sleep, which is essential for a well rested child. He also gives different methods that result in less crying, instead of just letting them cry it out. He has methods called the "Check and console" and the graduated extinction method where you leave the baby for a little longer each time. I know it is so hard to hear your baby cry, but like Dr. Weissbluth says, this is not the last time you will ignore your child's protests. When your toddler cries because he/she wants more dessert you don't just automatically give the dessert to keep him/her from crying. He has a lot of scientific data behind his advice, and I think his advice is worth trying. I don't know about the stress hormones, but he did say that crying accelerates an infant's ability to forget. So what that means is that by crying, it serves as an amnesiac and teh infant forgets that he/she was left to cry. He has very specific steps for how to do it and how to assist in the child learning to sleep both at night and during the day, all of which are essential to the process. So, I don't know if this is helpful or not, but I found the book a great read.

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Permalink Reply by Diana H. on March 10, 2010 at 2:42pm

I did read that book. It has a lot of great info on the science of sleep-- so much that I will never get rid of it. I tended to focus on his co-sleeping chapters (since he approves of that as well as CIO). I am suspicious of parts of it, however. I don't think that doctors can say for certain that crying it out is absolutely harmless. Doctors seem to be at odds over that issue. I know people whose kids were fine with CIO-- a little crying and they were sleeping with no problems. Then there are kids like my son-- 5 minutes of crying and he was vomiting. I think vomiting is probably a good indication you do not have a child who can handle it. Also, I remember Dr. Weisbleuth mentioning things like "tie yourself to the bed" if you have to to keep yourself from going to a baby in the middle of the night. I wonder how many times my child would have laid miserable with a high fever if I had followed that advice. One time, I remember my baby having breathing difficulties-- I shudder to think what would have happened if I hadn't been right there.
Another thing that disturbed me was how he mentions that you should leave toddlers in the crib and lock the door because even if they fall out of the bed, it *usually* doesn't cause injury. That part really scared me.

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