The Community for Catholic Moms

I dont know what to do anymore -----

Hi everyone ,

AM at my wits end ,
We have 2 children under two and since 2 mths pp we have been doing Billings method to tta .We use it for a host of reasons, i had severe pp haemorrage , haemorroids and anemia .Additionally i cover the bulk of my mothers bills and i have an MSC project to finish
We use the 2nd income to help my parents not us

Here is the problem, DH is not on board
He is catholic and he knows this is the only method we can use and he says he is ok with it until is time to abstain then he is resentful and throws out all sorts of comments about me denying him etc .....I know he wants a bg family but am exhausted and am saying lets wait a bit........

I dont know what to do .....

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Permalink Reply by Karen Murphy Corr on August 11, 2009 at 2:36pm

My husband would never have gone for that either, but what a brilliant suggestion if it were a perfect world!! Lots of prayers for you, Mother of 2. You have a lot on your plate right now.

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Permalink Reply by Maria-Helena Uribe on July 16, 2009 at 10:36am

Your husband needs to know that you are not denying him because you want to. Does he not know that God created us to desire our husbands (physically) the most when we are fertile?... that we are also denying ourselves as well?! I am not familiar with Billings method. We practice sympto-thermal as taught by CCL. As it utilizes both mucus and temperature it might be able to give you more confidence, and through cross-checking, may possibly reduce your days of abstinence just a little. Remind him that Christ often fasted for love of us, and that without occasional suffering, we are not true followers of Christ!

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Permalink Reply by Mother of 2 on July 16, 2009 at 11:26am

We use Billings because at the time i did my research , i found that pp cervical mucus is the main indicator of impending fertility . Of course the fact that they offered the classes for africa free did not hurt :-)

Diana my DH actually does all the night work with the kids ... He only wakes me up when the baby needs to feed . I did go to see a priest about this and he just told me that the only solution i had was to try and convince him to wait because no one could help

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Permalink Reply by Theresia on July 24, 2009 at 8:51am

Of course there is someone who can help - It may be time to bring our Blessed Mother in on this one. Talk to her and pray the rosary for a conversion of heart for your dh. While he is sulking or pouting is a good time to pray for him, as it will help to focus you also. I have heard MANY women who are in your situation. I'm sure it is hurtful for you. Pray during that rosary also for ALL of the needs of your family and for guidance in every decision. To make time to pray you may use your driving time with a good rosary on cd or early in the morning while nursing baby. I love my rosary on cd from Fr. Groeschel and also the one praying the Rosary with St. Therese.

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Permalink Reply by Karen Murphy Corr on August 11, 2009 at 2:37pm

Intrigued by everyone's suggestions of St. Rita as this is a struggle for my husband, too.

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Permalink Reply by Karen Cross on July 9, 2010 at 7:22am

My hubby isn't on board with NFP either. He's Catholic but he doesn't understand the teachings of the Church on birth control. He also gets resentful when we have to abstain. And he also wants to do "other" things instead, which is also against the teaching of the Church. Things need to end where they need to end and he doesn't get that. So I hear where you're coming from with the stress. Sometimes I just think that he puts a high priority on sex instead of our relationship as a couple under God. He doesn't think God cares about our sex life.

You have all sorts of issues on the table. I agree with Maureen that maybe he is irritated that your parents are the reason for postponing. Although two children under two can be time consuming in and of itself. It sounds like you guys need to talk this out. That's the beauty of NFP, to talk about your future together as parents. That's what I love about it. I have to say that even though my hubby doesn't understand the religious aspect of it, I don't think he realized how our communication with each other improved. Talk to him. Ask him what's wrong, why he is so angry and see if you can come up with a solution. That's where NFP is so different from ABC.

Prayers are with you.

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Permalink Reply by Kristin Detloff on July 11, 2010 at 12:00pm

Wow there are some really beautiful responses here so far!! I just wanted to ask if you and him have made a "game plan" of sorts for how to handle fertile times. We find that when it gets frustrating to abstain if we plan our our evenings out either doing something together or giving taking time for separate hobbies it makes a big difference....sets us up to be a "team" getting through abstaining together, vs me telling him no.

Also are you aware of his love language? My DH's love language truly is touch. And I find that especially during fertile times when we are abstaining, if I'm not attending to his love language daily just with hugs or hand holding etc, it ends up manifesting itself as sexual frustration. I think it's common for men to draw towards sexual touch when they are feeling a need for reassurance, but in reality if you can maintain a consistent amount of daily, appropriate, and often non-sexual touch that it may decrease that need for sexual reassurance. We as well as several of our couple friends have dealt with long periods of necessary abstinence and were able to find some middle ground allowing for "make-out" time so to speak but setting ground rules to make sure things didn't go too far or make the frustration worse. Having DH knowing that we can kiss and be intimate but both committing to things like our hands staying in appropriate places makes for a way to be close without crossing the line..and keeps us in the "team" mentality. As I've talked with friends in similar circumstances it seems like for most of us it's not the actual act of intercourse that is what DH needs but more so appropriate intimacy and sexual reassurance.

Also if there is anyway to help your DH understand that the emotional aspect of a pregnancy is as grave of reason to avoid in some cases as a physical one. I didn't understand this before having a minor bout of PPD after our second child. If you are feeling emotionally a wreck, another pregnancy right now could be devastating to your family and marriage emotionally. That being said God will give you the grace to handle whatever He asks of you but he also gives us the tools to care for fertility within His design and responsible parenthood isn't just having as many children as you can, but honestly and opening discerning your emotional readiness for more children as well. I think the other ladies are right that you need to be very honest with yourself about what NEEDS to be done in your life vs the extras and do whatever you can do to become healthy again, and hopefully if your DH knows you are actively trying to reach a point of being open to TTC again he would be more on board with abstaining to avoid a pregnancy.

Praying for you and your DH!