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I dont know what to do anymore -----

Hi everyone ,

AM at my wits end ,
We have 2 children under two and since 2 mths pp we have been doing Billings method to tta .We use it for a host of reasons, i had severe pp haemorrage , haemorroids and anemia .Additionally i cover the bulk of my mothers bills and i have an MSC project to finish
We use the 2nd income to help my parents not us

Here is the problem, DH is not on board
He is catholic and he knows this is the only method we can use and he says he is ok with it until is time to abstain then he is resentful and throws out all sorts of comments about me denying him etc .....I know he wants a bg family but am exhausted and am saying lets wait a bit........

I dont know what to do .....

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Permalink Reply by Maureen on July 13, 2009 at 6:57am
Hi,
That sounds like alot of stress. I'm going to say something that may sound harsh. What are your reasons for paying your parents' bills? I'm not asking you to answer here, just to consider the question. Is it due to their physically being unable to pay their bills due to disability? Have they investigated various social service options to help ends meet (local departments of the aging or AARP chapters could help with access)? Is is due to their lack of budgeting, refusal to live within their means or other poor habits unrelated to health? I ask because while we're called to honor our parents we aren't called to enable them in poor choices. You are their daughter but before that in priority you are a wife and mother. You need to balance the needs of your family against the true needs, not wants of your parents. IF your support of your parents is not due to true need on their part it may well be causing resentment in your husband. You're delaying your plans and working to exhaustion for them, not him and the children. He may love your parents dearly but resentment of the toll on your family and intimacy would be understandable. Even if the reasons for supporting them are valid to your husband you owe it to your family to ensure that all avenues available for help are being utilized to lessen the burden on your family. I'm not trying to say don't help your parents, we help ours and consider it an honor to be able to do so, I'm just trying to make a suggestion that may alleviate stress.
Permalink Reply by elizabeth arendale on July 13, 2009 at 9:02am
is there a way to get to the root of the "rejection" problem. maybe find out what's causing that. when there is a disconnect between logic and reality it makes me think something is amiss.
i've read dr. laura's "proper care and feeding of husbands" and it gives a bunch of advice as to the building of our man's self esteem. maybe just a few comments here or there can eliminate the poor self esteem during abstaining. letting him know in no uncertain terms that you think he's all that and a bag of chips will help him get over that hump.
Permalink Reply by Mother of 2 on July 13, 2009 at 9:41am
i try to do all those things that dr. laura suggests .......cook his favourite meals etc
I have also tried to gently tell him why having another child right now is not a good idea but he just sulks ....
Permalink Reply by Joannie on July 13, 2009 at 4:59pm
Dear Mother of 2,
You have a full plate as they say. These situations are never simple. First, using your words: He's not on board. Can you locate a NFP advisor to suggest a third party to assist you? Perhaps there are NFP support groups to join or a priest who is well versed in NFP. Interpersonal Communication is most often at the heart of these issues. Intimacy too which goes beyond the marital act, may also be an issue. You both have needs and wants. Sharing them openly and honestly while difficult at times, is essential. Your concerns are important. You may need to seek a support network that supports authentic Catholic teaching that involves both you and your husband. While I'm beyond child bearing years, my guess is that others face similar situations. Pray and build your faith life together as a couple and seek support if necessary. Your marriage and family are worth it. My prayers are with you.
Blessings in Christ Jesus,
Nana Joannie
Permalink Reply by Jackie on July 13, 2009 at 8:50pm
Check out this Website - http://www.bizymoms.com/familylife/index.html
Useful Information and Advice to help you improve your Family Life, advice on Parenting and Family Budgeting.
Permalink Reply by Abby Sasscer on July 13, 2009 at 11:09pm
Dear Mother of 2,

I find that spending time with Jesus 15 - 20 minutes a day (before the babies wake up or after they go to bed at night) makes such a huge difference in my relationships and in my day. I also encourage my husband to do the same and it has helped us tremendously. I have a life-threatening illness that requires us to use NFP (the most conservative rule). It has tried our marriage but after almost dying twice at the hospital, my husband cherishes me now more than ever. Praying as a couple also has helped us surrender our future to God. I have learned that sometimes if God can't change our situation, He has the power to change our hearts. My prayers are with you !
Permalink Reply by Mother of 2 on July 14, 2009 at 2:28am
Oh Abby ,

That must have been terrifying
So sorry .......
Permalink Reply by Abby Sasscer on July 14, 2009 at 11:10am
Hello Mother of 2 !

I hope you are doing better today ! Yes, my time at the hospital was very trying physically and emotionally. However, it was a truly spiritually uplifting time for me. I felt God's love so strongly and realized that detaching myself from my own self will and surrendering to His will is the key to true happiness. I still struggle to this day but learn to surrender to His love throughout the day. He knows what's best for me and I have learned that His love for me will never lead me to destruction, despair or distress. I just have to make the time to spend quiet time with Him everyday. Despite all our suffering and trials and imperfections , my husband and I really try to cherish each other beyond the marital act. CCL calls it "creative continence" and it has saved our marriage despite the fact that we use the most conservative rule of NFP. My prayers are with you !
Permalink Reply by Nicole Stallworth on July 14, 2009 at 1:10pm
My heart goes out to you.... If all else fails, don't fail to take this to God and ask the saints for their assistance. Have you made friends with St. Rita yet? Her situation and patronage are perhaps more extreme than you may think necessary, but I don't think she would mind. St. Monica would also be helpful--her prayers brought her husband around before her son. And don't forget the strong and silent St. Joseph! Pray for yourself as well as your husband, that both of you be given the graces needed to discern and do God's will.
Permalink Reply by Mother of 2 on July 15, 2009 at 2:12am
St. Rita is my patron saint !!!!
What a coincidence !

Thanks for all your helpful comments .......
Permalink Reply by Joy Bailey on July 15, 2009 at 5:07pm
No advice but will be holding you in prayer.
Permalink Reply by Diana H. on July 15, 2009 at 7:33pm
Maybe you could give him baby duty at night during the fertile times... Then he'll be too tired to care and maybe he'll understand where you're coming from. I know, probably not possible...

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