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Head and Heart of the Household

I have always heard and believed the statement that the husband/father is the head of the household and that the wife/mother is the heart of the household. I do think that there is a reason God made both males and females and that we are different and that we do have different strengths and roles in the marriage and family.

About 2 1/2 years ago my husband went through a terrible depression and ended up with a lot of medical care. He was working so hard on just making it day to day and trying to start getting better that it didn't leave him with anything left extra. Out of necessity I ended up having to be basically the head of the house and make all the decisions regarding everything. I went back to work and put the kids in daycare.

After much prayer and medical help after about a year my husband was back to his old self and able to live again. He got a wonderful new job and I was once again able to be at home with our children. God truly blessed us.

My husband worked many hours for the first year and a half of this job usually averaging 60 to 70 hours a week. We were just so thankful for the work and for the blessing of a job he enjoyed it was okay though. We knew it would slow down eventually and he would get to be home more again.

Because he was working so many hours though I still ended up making many decisions and without even realizing it I basically continued on in the head of the household role in many aspects of the decisions making etc.

The other day we were having an arguement which we don't do often and we both realized that it was in fact due to the fact that I was still in a lot of the role of the head of the household and that he really needed to be back in that role so that things will be as they should be again.

So, my question is regarding the roles we should be in. He still works a lot, so would it be acceptable for me to continue to pay the bills as long as I am deffering to him for any decisions regarding them? Also in terms of discipline of our boys ages 4 and 3 is it right for me to be doing all the discipline since I am the one home or would it be better for me to discipline for small matters throughout the day but save larger matters for discussion and follow through after he gets home?

Any advice on roles in the family would be much appreciated. Sorry this is so long!

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Permalink Reply by Carol on February 20, 2010 at 1:35am

I don't think that the Church prescribes exact lines of demarcation for what the Head must do, and what the Heart might do. Each situation is unique and so each family must work it out for themselves. Many families have the situation of a father who travels a lot, or works long hours and, by necessity, the mother must take on much of the day to day decision making, money handling, discipline. It seems to me that you two are aware of the roles, and aware of the difficulty in your situation, which is half the battle! Maybe you should ask your husband if he wants you to handle all the discipline (perhaps he is too tired at the end of the day and would rather most things be handled during the day by you). Maybe ask him about the bills, let him decide how you handle him. A leader delegates, right? Don't get caught up overthinking things. Simply love them.

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Permalink Reply by Catholic Mama on February 20, 2010 at 1:52am

The simple answer: I think its fine for you to do the bills and other practical matters, so long as you can defer to him if he has a 'reasonable' difference of opinion from you. I think handing the 'major' discipline to dad is a good idea.

The complex answer: In our marriage, from what we have understood this teaching to be, we accept that we have different talents and approaches to things, but we recognize that hubby has the 'ultimate' responsibility for our family. This means, he has to sacrifice more to get family goals accomplished. Through these sacrifices (like making trips to the pharmacy on foot in snowy weather) he earns part of his authority. Usually we discuss something that we are planning to do, like move or him getting a new job. He listens to my reasoning and either agrees or disagrees. If he disagrees he tries to make the decision as painless for me as he can and I try not to break ranks with his decision in public and to do my best about it in private. (Like his decision to wait for a better job situtation before finding a new place to live, even though I saw my dream home slip away.) If the decision is less than perfect but small fry, I generally try not to nag (sometimes this has involved us getting lost on the highway.) My husband has eventually realized that I make soft, quiet suggestions once and he better be paying attention. Its made him respect my advice. Overall, I just try not to squelch his fire, and I praise his hard work and I don't ever try to undermine him in public. In return he never does any of that to me, whenever something demands my insistence. He trusts that there is good reason, just as I trust that he is constantly thinking about US and not himself.