The Community for Catholic Moms
Family Reaction to Baby #6
We were surprised to find out this week that we are expecting baby #6. Although we had mixed feelings over the initial surprise, the shock has since worn off and we have been able to accept that our family will be growing by one more this year. Our other 5 children are all under the age of 7 (which includes a set of 16 mos. twins and two special needs kiddos). So, our hands are pretty full. We use NFP and this is the first time we've used it to avoid since before the conception of our first child. That's why we were so surprised to find out that despite my Type A observations and charting, we still conceived! We appear to be incredibly fertile! Our friends have been wonderfully supportive and accepting at the size of our family. Our family however, is where things get a little trickier. We know that finances are already tight, (who's isn't), our house is too small, and our van is even smaller, but we also know that God blessed us with this child and will provide these things for us if we pray for his help. It's our family's that aren't quite as accepting. My family was okay when we told them, but the first question they asked was "What are you going to do now?" I simply told them, "Well, have another baby!". My husbands family, (who are quite a bit more Catholic) will have the "what were you thinking...don't you know what causes this...maybe you should do something next time to prevent this from happening again" kind of mentality. I know that some of that comes from their knowledge of how difficult things are for us right now, but I don't know how to tell them why it will be okay even if it is difficult. Anyone else been in a situation like this? Any advice?
Views: 14
Replies to This Discussion
-
Permalink Reply by Kristin Detloff on -
Although I have not been through this exact scenario, our family dynamic can be similar to yours and I have thought about how I would deal with the negative comments about something that is ultimately a blessing whether it brings difficulties or not. Through prayer difficult times help us refocus on what is truly important in our lives, and helps us grow.
For me there would be a couple of options for sharing the news knowing we would receive slanted comments etc. Mostly it would depend on my level of patience and strength in the moment.
If you feel like you can't handle those comments right now then I don't think there would be anything wrong with telling family in writing. You could send them a card of some kind with a nice message in it, and share the news. Telling them you realize that Gods timing is not always our timing and that you welcome this gift from him with excitement and a strong faith in his abilities to provide. Telling them you've always appreciated the support and love that they've shown your family(even if they haven't always been loving and supportive) and that you know they will welcome this new baby with the same excitement and anticipation as you all have.
I have found that with people who can be crude. If you build them up and tell them all the great ways you think they will react to the news, it makes it very hard for them to then be negative and shatter this image of the positive, life affirming, faithful people you think that they are. In turn if you tell them with hesitation, expecting the worse, they will probably fulfill that image as well as it may be more natural for them.
Also if they may react negatively I would not want to tell them in front of our other children. There's no reason for a child to have to deal with adult issues of nonacceptance or judgment and have to wonder if that too was how their birth was viewed.
It's a tough situation all around when family has trouble being supportive of family life/size since this child is no less precious then your first. I just think if you treat people like you expect the best out of them and let the rest roll off your back, that's about as good as you can do.
I will keep you in my prayers. Good luck to you and God Bless you and your family! All 8 of you!!
-
Permalink Reply by Michelle Ouellette on -
Your words spoke not only to me, but to my husband as well. It's so hard for him to let the things his family say to him roll of his back. I used to take things more personally but have found through having my children that I can't let everything beat me down anymore. God truly has our best interests at heart and since we can't control what others will think or feel, filling them with the positive may help them give the positive back! Thank you! And may God Bless you and your family!
-
Permalink Reply by Mary L. on
-
We had very similar reactions to our announcement of number six (and some earlier babies). I second the idea of a card or letter or even a humorous greeting to 'break' the news. (We once sent an empty baby frame with the expected due date in the photo part 'coming soon...') I found I couldn't 'forget' their initial reactions and took continual forgiveness on my part. Kind of 'knowing where they stood' was enough for me. (It was hard for me not to take it personally as an attack on my baby.) My husband would also make the phone call if necessary and spare my heart.
We have 11 wonderful children...so accomplished, but even more important, such wonderful persons....caring, giving, generous etc. My own #6 is 15 now; he's a great son and brother. Many of those complaining/critical relatives can't say enough about our children now. We still don't have a lot of money etc. but we are quite wealthy in strong, close relationships with our children and their relationships with each other..they are all so very close. God bless your family and remember you are the ones that are living your lives and no one else, no matter how closely related, can totally fathom how wonderful it is for you.
P.S. (My son, 21, just walked in and asked what I was writing... when I told him he remarked, "We jumped out of 'that' window a long time ago!"...So humor helps too!!!....and this is the son who's been a firefighter for 1 1/2 yrs. while going to college full time, and hung up his badge this New Years Day to pursue more education with the priesthood in mind.)
-
Permalink Reply by Corinne O'Brien on -
I have 4 sons, ages 14, 13, 12, and 5 all adopted. Last year at this time I had 2 foster girls, age 7 and 2. The 2 year old I brought home from the hospital and the state put her back with the bio mom at 18 mo. The mom is a meth addict and was caught with meth 3 mo. after they put these 2 girls with her. We took the 7 year old and the 2 year old with hopes of adoption. I found out from Dec 2008 through July 2009 that the state and the court feel the biomom meets the minimum standard for parenting and that they could go back to her. I just finished my first Christmas without them.
Please do not misunderstand, I love my sons and am very grateful and blessed that I have been able to be able to parent these 4 young men but I miss the girls terribly, especially the almost 3 year old.
We have to trust that God and believe me it is hard. All I have dreamed about since 7th grade was being a mom to a daughter and I am 54. I knew these 2 girls were my last chance and my husband is done with the state and the courts. We have to be open to what God is giving us. It is hard to accept but please tell your families there are so many, many couples that would do anything to be in your shoes that cannot even concieve 1 child. I was sad for a short time that I never got pregnant but it has never been that important to me to have a biological child. I believe that I love my sons as much or more than many people love their biological children and i felt the same way about the girls.
ALL children are a blessing and at times a terror but your family will come to love them just as they love your other children. Our families were not supportive once we went beyond 2 children but with time they came around. I am sure it will happen for you also. I hope my sharing has been helpful to you.
-
Permalink Reply by Cay Gibson on -
Print this article out and pass it around to family members with a simple note that you are happily expecting #6:
http://www.faithandfamilylive.com/features/just_one_more
-
Permalink Reply by Kristin Detloff on
-
What a beautiful article!! I LOVE it. Thank you so much for sharing this!
-
Permalink Reply by Michelle Ouellette on
-
Yes, it is a beautiful article...it made me cry. I LOVED IT!! Thank you so much...I've already printed it out so its at the ready!! :)
-
Permalink Reply by Diana H. on -
Good luck to you. I think in this situation, I wouldn't mind telling people, "My husband and I are orthodox Catholics." Negative comments after that would be insulting to your religious beliefs. Most people don't want to "go there," so they'll probably just keep their negative opinions to themselves at that point.
-
Permalink Reply by Christina on -
When I was a few months along with baby no. 6, my mom, who was never gung-ho on large families, tried to convince me that I should have an abortion. This was a woman who ostensibly was very prolife, a notorious letter-writer and fighter for the faith. I was totally crushed, and resolved then that what family members (outside of kids and spouse) say to you really doesn't matter. It's not their life, their baby, their marriage.
-
Permalink Reply by Angela Findlay on
-
I too have had this experience. My husband and I love having a larger family, but have had to listen to so many negative comments. My MIL tried to talk my DH out of having our third child, now we have 5!
Recently we were visiting with my SIL and I mentioned that I thought a younger sibling for my youngest child would be a blessing.Her reply was, "Oh no, surely you don't want another?"
How could I not? What if I had that attitude to any one of my children?They are all wanted and loved.
If I am blessed enough to have another child, I won't actually tell the family until it is obvious because I really don't want to deal with negative comments. I think an earlier poster has the right attitude - tell them with all the positivity you can, then they will find it very hard to be negative. In my experience, negative comments aren't really about "you" they are about the hang-ups that the other person has. When my SIL says,"not another one" it is because she couldn't handle it herself, because she values material possessions more than we value our kids.
Good luck and congratulations to all you lucky couples having a baby!
-
Permalink Reply by Mary Bennett on -
Angela, I'm not sure if I'm ashamed to admit this or not, but to the "Oh, I'm glad it's you having another and not me!" I've responded "If my kids were like yours, I wouldn't want another either!" It was after all, the truth! ~evil grin~
MaryB
marynate.blogspot.com
-
Permalink Reply by Michelle Ouellette on
-
Thank you so much to all of you who have replied. It's nice to read such kind words, praise and advice from other like-minded women. When my husband and I were married 10 years ago our "child number" was "we'll have 3 or 4 kids but we can't imagine having more than that!!" Hehehehe, God certainly has a way of changing your heart. When we decided to have baby number 4 God blessed us with twins which is what pushed us up to the 5 children threshold. We again decided that if there were to be a baby #6 it wouldn't be until the twins were AT LEAST 3 years old...well they will be two on Sept. 10th and this baby is due on Sept. 2nd. God does have His plan for us...and we've found it rarely is what we think it should be. If it had turned out the way we thought it "should be" we wouldn't have been blessed with such wonderful, beautiful children...and we simply can't imagine life without any of them! Thank you God!!
Groups
-
South Florida Holy Famil…
1 member
-
Mary's Assumption
4 members
-
Rhode Island Moms
3 members
-
Alabama Moms
3 members
-
new jersey moms
3 members
-
Catholic Holistic Famili…
7 members
© 2012 Created by Faith & Family.
