The Community for Catholic Moms

Deep sadness

My (adopted) son was diagnosed with Reactive attachment Disorder when he was 3. As of 12 months ago, it was still current. I know that it means he has an inability to form trusting relationships, but have believed that with perseverence, love and God on our side, we would overcome it. today I attended an adoption workshop on building emotional intelligence and, at the end of the day, the facilitator (who has known Nathan since he came into our care at 15 months) looked me straight in the eyes and said, "Kids with really disorganised attachments have one great fear - their caregiver." I was gutted - huge , noisy sobs in a room full of people. "When will it end?" I asked. "Never."
So sad.

▶ Reply to This

Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Rebecca L on July 20, 2009 at 8:13am

I'm so sorry. My good friend's adopted daughter also has RAD and it has been a long journey for them as well.

▶ Reply

Permalink Reply by Sarah on July 20, 2009 at 9:47pm

Praying for strength!

▶ Reply

Permalink Reply by Christine Robertson on July 20, 2009 at 10:25pm

Thank you both. I guess that's what I was needing, even though I couldn't ask for it. Bless you

▶ Reply

Permalink Reply by Heidi Hess Saxton on July 21, 2009 at 1:06pm

I'm so sorry, Christine. I do think the facilitator did you a great disservice by taking hope away from you like that, however. It's true that many RAD children do have difficulties, and some never recover. But that certainly isn't true of all.

One year seems like an eternity while you're in it, but in the world of adoption it is still far too soon to make long-term projections. Like biological parents, adoptive parents also experience labor and delivery -- but we do it in reverse order. For us, the labor and bonding takes place AFTER we receive the child. It's hard work. It's messy. Often painful. But necessary.

What it does mean is that you wil need to work hard to re-form those attachments denied to him the first three years. Here is a website that might help:.

Some parents have found special exercises -- such as bottle feeding and swaddling even children the age of your son -- helpful. I do think you would benefit from the professional help (if you have not already sought it out).

Bottom line: It is imperative that you tend to your own needs, and that of your marriage, in order to stay strong for your son. You have taken on a challenge that is much greater than the average parent contends with. You will need all kinds of support to stay the course. Do whatever you need to get it.

If you like, I would be happy to add you to the "Extraordinary Moms Network" prayer list. Let me know whether you'd like this, and whether to do it anonymously or by (first) name.

Blessings,

Heidi Saxton

▶ Reply

Permalink Reply by Christine Robertson on July 22, 2009 at 3:46am

Hello heidi,

Thank you for your thoughtful and generous response. I would love to be included on your Extraoridnary Moms' Network and it does not have to be anonymously.

We have known of Nathan's diagnosis for 9 years now, but had always thought it meant that he found the world at large a dangerous place but was learning to trust us. (It would have been nice if RAD took 3 years to develop - latest research indicates it can have its genesis in utero and is definately present by 9 months!)

After two days of reflection, I think that that is a better description of RAD. Whilst it is true that he has a greatly diminished ability to tolerate any display of anger from me, it is also true that we can share treasured moments of delight in one anotherr's company. So, with the grace of a loving God (whose wisdom in placing this fragile RAD, Aspergers, damaged, damaged child with a fiery Albanian/Irish woman I still question!) I have decided to simply shelve the sadness (pondering deeply in my heart?) and continue with optimism and whatever joy I can muster.

It is a constant surprise to me that when I am at my most despondant, my husband is his most optomistic (and vice versa). Together, we have studied, explored and followed so many therapies and strategies and, some of them do appear to be working.

It is hard to know that I am his primary fear - really it is the role of caregiver that he fears, I just embody it - but I remain motivated by the knowledge that his burden is heavier. Bolstered by the prayers that I have been receiving, I am, at this moment anyway, able to say that I am not prepared to lay down, yet.

▶ Reply

Permalink Reply by Heidi Hess Saxton on July 22, 2009 at 8:58am

Nine years! I'm sorry my time line was so "off."

I know what you mean about wondering what God was thinking when He sends a particular challenge, given our own temperament. I never realized what a temper I had (seriously) until I got my bundles of joy. And yet, I soon realized that God had given me built-in opportunities to practice the virtues of gentleness, kindness, and patience. Some days the Spirit wins. Other days, score one for the "Mommy Monster." I get to model for my kids in a very real way how to make mistakes, repent of them, and start over.

It also amazes me how God partners us with men whose strengths play to our own weaknesses, and vice versa. It's one way He makes good on His promise to provide "a way of escape" (1 Cor 10:13) in our moments of temptation.

Clearly you are a good mom. Just as clearly, you are sometimes feeling overwhelmed. Remember that both things can be true at the same time. Don't look too far down the road, especially in the hard times. God will provide a "way of escape" for you, too -- if you ask Him.

When things got really hard for me, I asked the Blessed Mother (in a not-so-blessed tone of voice) to help me. "Look . . . you were the perfect mother, with one perfect Son. I have neither of those things going for me. Help me, help me, help me ... *breathe*."

I've added you to the list. Feel free to write me at hsaxton@christianword.com if ever you need to vent. Nathan is lucky to have you!