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Confused, having troubles with my Rosary praying
Hello. Um..A quick introduction to myself. I'm Adeline, living in Malaysia, 17yrs old. I'm having my finals in a month and i have a few difficulties in my daily prayers.
Finals are coming. I know this is the time where I should be praying more , but right now I need the time to revise and study. I'm the type of person who gets EASILY distracted. The past few days/weeks it's taking me a long time to pray the rosary (about 1 hour or more) and it's also because I stop to think "Is God angry that I'm saying it this way, that I'm not saying it with my full heart or I'm not sacrificing myself to him" At times like these I feel very fustrated and feel so lazy to pray the rosary. After that feeling I feel even more guilty that I'm not praying the rosary then I just say it taking 1 hour of my day.
So I decided to find help in the net, and I found one of your articles/blog http://www.faithandfamilylive.com/blog/praying_the_rosary_try_and_t...
very useful. So i decided to pray the rosary while : I'm changing into my school uniform, while i'm sitting in the car when my mother drives ( unless when she turns on the radio,then i can't pay attention to the rosary), and when i'm bathing or running around the house getting this and that. This was pretty good and I could finish the opening, 1st decade in the morning. And when i come back from school i do the 2nd decade, *I think I did the 3rd decade too* . But then I had a thought a few days ago, I'm not FULLY concentrated when praying the rosary this way. I'm not thinking each event/scene of the rosary word-by-word, and I'm adding small thoughts while praying the rosary like "Oh later i need to get this shirt to school" or "Hm the car ride is bumpy today" and this makes me bothered. I'm afraid that the Lord is angry at my distractions or for not paying full attention/concentration to the rosary.
And I also found a flaw in the way I say the 'Sus' in 'Jesus'. I think i say it as 'ces'. I kind of feel guilty and ended up repeating this part of the rosary ( or any prayer that had to word 'Jesus') many many times and eventually feeling pissed :(.
I asked advise from my former sunday school teacher about the rosary. She said I don't have to pray all 5 decades, just 1 or 2. She said the Lord and his mum knows my intentions. I tried that and said :"Hey this is so less time consuming." and over the weekend bad things happened and I quickly resumed to praying 5 decades. Thinking that God was not in terms with me since I didn't pray the rosary properly.
Sooo...I guess I have some questions, Is it okay if I pray the rosary if I'm not fully concentrated ie: while in the car, while changing into my school uniform, bathing or brushing my teeth? Do we have to say the rosary word-by-word? Sometimes I feel guilty during rosary praying when I had lost concentration or something. Is God telling me that I did something wrong? Or should I just continue the rosary. And is it okay if i do have problems saying the 'sus' in the word 'Jesus"?
Another thing is..Does the length of the prayer count? I have alot of questions in mind. I hope you'll help me. God bless and thanks very much for reading. :)
Finals are coming. I know this is the time where I should be praying more , but right now I need the time to revise and study. I'm the type of person who gets EASILY distracted. The past few days/weeks it's taking me a long time to pray the rosary (about 1 hour or more) and it's also because I stop to think "Is God angry that I'm saying it this way, that I'm not saying it with my full heart or I'm not sacrificing myself to him" At times like these I feel very fustrated and feel so lazy to pray the rosary. After that feeling I feel even more guilty that I'm not praying the rosary then I just say it taking 1 hour of my day.
So I decided to find help in the net, and I found one of your articles/blog http://www.faithandfamilylive.com/blog/praying_the_rosary_try_and_t...
very useful. So i decided to pray the rosary while : I'm changing into my school uniform, while i'm sitting in the car when my mother drives ( unless when she turns on the radio,then i can't pay attention to the rosary), and when i'm bathing or running around the house getting this and that. This was pretty good and I could finish the opening, 1st decade in the morning. And when i come back from school i do the 2nd decade, *I think I did the 3rd decade too* . But then I had a thought a few days ago, I'm not FULLY concentrated when praying the rosary this way. I'm not thinking each event/scene of the rosary word-by-word, and I'm adding small thoughts while praying the rosary like "Oh later i need to get this shirt to school" or "Hm the car ride is bumpy today" and this makes me bothered. I'm afraid that the Lord is angry at my distractions or for not paying full attention/concentration to the rosary.
And I also found a flaw in the way I say the 'Sus' in 'Jesus'. I think i say it as 'ces'. I kind of feel guilty and ended up repeating this part of the rosary ( or any prayer that had to word 'Jesus') many many times and eventually feeling pissed :(.
I asked advise from my former sunday school teacher about the rosary. She said I don't have to pray all 5 decades, just 1 or 2. She said the Lord and his mum knows my intentions. I tried that and said :"Hey this is so less time consuming." and over the weekend bad things happened and I quickly resumed to praying 5 decades. Thinking that God was not in terms with me since I didn't pray the rosary properly.
Sooo...I guess I have some questions, Is it okay if I pray the rosary if I'm not fully concentrated ie: while in the car, while changing into my school uniform, bathing or brushing my teeth? Do we have to say the rosary word-by-word? Sometimes I feel guilty during rosary praying when I had lost concentration or something. Is God telling me that I did something wrong? Or should I just continue the rosary. And is it okay if i do have problems saying the 'sus' in the word 'Jesus"?
Another thing is..Does the length of the prayer count? I have alot of questions in mind. I hope you'll help me. God bless and thanks very much for reading. :)
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Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Kristin Detloff on -
Adeline - I am very impressed with your desire to be devoted but I worry with some of the things that you are saying that there is something more going on. I have a friend who describes prayer much in the way you do but she struggles with issues of anxiety and obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD) where she has to do things "just right" and "perfect" or she doesn't think they count. I fear you may be getting into that place of scrupulosity where you are losing sight of the real purpose of prayer which is to spend time bringing ourselves closer to the Lord. A very holy priest I once knew said that "guilt and fear are not from God". Your guilt and fear that you are doing things "just right" is not bringing you closer to God, but placing technicalities and fear in-between you and prayer. The Rosary is an amazing an beautiful prayer that I think would be wonderful for you to aspire to but given what you are describing maybe you should aspire to pray the rosary once or twice a week at a time when you CAN get to someplace quiet..maybe before church on Sunday? And otherwise keep your daily devotions to more simple prayers like "Jesus I offer my day to you". "Jesus I love you". "Mary and Joseph Pray for me". There is a line you have to be aware of between meaningful persistence towards a more prayer filled life, and finding yourself in a place of obsession and guilt. For right now, live your life as a witness to Christ and His Blessed Mother and allow them to care for and lead you deeper in faith. God does NOT punish us for forgetting to pray in a formal way. Formal prayer is essential and good but if you are feeling guilt and obsession over not doing it right that is not from God and to me is a sign you need to take a step back and make sure that your prayer is drawing you closer to God and not being used by Satan to separate you with thoughts of "not being good enough". You will always be good enough for Christ's Love! And he knows your heart and intentions! He knows your desire to be near him! As a parent, when I look at our children, I can get just a glimps of the love that God must feel for all of us. I remember hearing a very holy man once talk about how much it bugged him that he would go to adoration in the middle of the night and then fall asleep. No matter how hard he tried to stay awake he kept falling asleep! He felt so much guilt and then in a dream had the vision of him sleeping and a side vision of him watching his children sleep and he understood. We are God's children. And I don't know any parent who isn't overwhelmed with love by seeing their child fast asleep. Obviously the lesson isn't to go sleep in church! haha But that God sees our love for Him and our efforts and Loves us absolutely and unconditionally even when we aren't able to complete our time with him the way we would like.
If this guilt and fear continues please seek council ok? It's not always easy to pray and it IS good to push ourselves to spend more time in prayer and integrate it into our lives, BUT I fear what you are describing is something outside of that healthy challenge and it is not something you should take on as being "from God". *hugs*
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Permalink Reply by Katherine Marie on -
Adeline-
I'm Kristin's friend. She told me about you, so I signed up so I could comment. I'm very concerned for you that there is some anxiety issues going on. Let me tell you from experience, this intense worry, particularly about how to say "sus" is NOT from God. But I also don't want you to immediately jump to the concern that it's from Satan, either. You see, I have OCD. My brain chemistry is different than most people. This isn't due to some sin of mine, but it's just the way I am. After 20 years of dealing with OCD & anxiety, I'm finally finding help for it. And I've found a great spiritual adviser who understand the illness. She has asked me to back-away from formal prayer (for now until I can get better), but instead submit to God throughout the day. "Jesus, I trust in You". That's as simple and as beautiful as it needs to be right now. I also now sleep with a rosary under my pillow. That's my prayer to Mary. She KNOWS I think of her and want her council, but right now, I'm not healthy enough to pray like everyone else.
I don't want to council you wrong. Going to mass is still imperative. But I am wondering if you have any resources for mental health professionals where you live. This worrying is not YOU! It's most likely a form of anxiety that you have little control over. Jesus knows your heart. He knows how painful and exhausting these mental conditions are. He wants you to feel peace and not so much anxiety over all your spiritual life.
I pray my post does not cause you more fear and concern. Jesus LOVES you so much and he knows how hard you are trying to please him. Rest in Him and know that nothing you can do will ever make you good enough. You can't EARN His love- He forever gives it to you for free. Find peace there. And trust that He wants good for you. He wants peace and joy, and he NEVER wishes ill for us.
May the peace of Christ be on your heart!
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Permalink Reply by Adeline Chia on
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Sorry for the late reply..I thank you both so much. I'm feeling a bit more at ease now with God. I followed what you said and didn't pray until tuesday. Although when I got into the 3rd decade I was so distracted (earlier that day I found the college of my dreams at school) and went into audio rosary.
And I prayed today too. haha..now rosary is like a story/event happening of Jesus. And I'm also talking to God more during the day.
I haven't heard of OCD before. But I do worry a lot and also have nauseous feeling when i'm worrying very much. ( Is this a sign of OCD?)
But thanks so much. I might have gone crazy without your reply.
I'll try to be God's witness in life. I don't understand a lot of things in the bible, but i'll try to follow Jesus's footsteps and do good in life.
Dear Katherine Marie, I pray for your OCD.
*Hugs both :) and God Bless!!*
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Permalink Reply by Katherine Marie on
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I'm so happy that Kristin and I have given you some peace. I am reading about Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) as I begin an intensive treatment program next week. One thing I'm reading is that it's best to NOT avoid things because we're afraid. If we begin to avoid things it will only get worse. So, for example, as you prayed and got distracted, simply keep going. Don't stop and re-do it or stop all together... keep going. Work through the uncomfortableness. Distraction in prayer is very normal, especially if you had something exciting on your mind. It's OK. God understands that! Jesus was human so he really understands the struggles we are up against.
If you're having troubles with your stomach, that is a sign of anxiety. That's a very common symptom. It doesn't mean you have OCD necessarily. (OCD is a form of anxiety.) I would guess you have some type of anxiety, but I'm not a professional or know you personally, so I don't want to steer you wrong. But there are many wonderful resources out there to help you cope if it begins to disrupt your life. The book my doctor is having me use is "Stop Obsessing" by Dr. Foa. It's for OCD, which you may not have. But you can look for it online.
Keep up the great work! You are not alone in your struggles, and I thank you for your prayers. I'm slowly learning that for me, a relationship with God is not about saying a certain number of prayers, although God does love things that we do for him... it's primarily about having a relationship with him. Talking to him, offering things up, trusting in him. Everyone has times that are difficult to pray or they don't FEEL like loving God or praying... and I think it's in those times that Jesus understands and simply wants us to be obedient and keep trying.
I pray for peace to you!
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Permalink Reply by Adeline Chia on
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Oo..I see. After reading this I was thinking:" Is God really so nice to us?" Actually I do tend to worry a lot. But I think God is telling me to just trust in him, this usually takes back my worries and just let God do his thing.
And I kinda have another question. When do we know if God is calling us to pray? I've heard of some stories where people have the prompting to pray and angels fly to help people around the world that is in need. So what do we do on these occations? I know sometimes I ignore it but then I remember back the stories and realise that maybe God is telling us to pray for a person then I pray although the environment I'm in is distracting and my head is running about in so many other thoughts.
I hope I keep following God. :) Thank you for the prayers and teaching me so much more about God :D
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