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5-year-old hitting at school-help!

Hi! My 5 year old just started going to our local Catholic preschool. He has been hitting his classmates, and when the teachers ask him why, he says "Because I want to" (!). He does get time outs for this behavior at school, but it hasn't worked so far.

We are pulling our hair out trying to get him to stop. We have tried talking to him at home, time outs at home, loss of privileges, but it doesn't stop the behavior at school. He doesn't do these things at home, but he is essentially an only child and doesn't have any other little ones around. Any advice or resources you could point me to would be appreciated! I am frustrated and embarrassed, and afraid of him getting kicked out. I don't know what we are doing wrong.

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Permalink Reply by Lisa Seeber on October 3, 2009 at 8:02pm

Tough question! The only suggestion I have is to look for something he really enjoys and use it as both a stick and a carrot . . . . in our house we have a "smiley face chart." Just a chart on the fridge with smiley faces that we write in with whatever is handy. If the owner of the chart gets a whole row he/she can have 20 minutes on PBSkids.org. If they are bad they can loose smiley faces. If they get the whole chart--big prize time. Anyway days with good reports at school go wild with getting smiley face(s) and really talk up the prize--on days with bad report he looses smiley faces and again really talk up what he is loosing . . . not rocket science and maybe you have already tried it but it is the thing that works best with my 5 year old boy. Good luck.

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Permalink Reply by Laura B on October 5, 2009 at 11:02pm

He gets smiley face charts at school to bring home, but they don't motivate him. It's almost like he doesn't associate his behavior with the chart. It's such a long day for him (8-5), that he just can't keep the distant goal of some reward at the end of the day in his mind for the whole day. We talked about his behavior a lot this weekend, I told him all about the rewards he would get if he were good (McDonalds, gum, watch a movie)...and yet he was just as bad, if not worse today in school. The rewards are too far removed from the actual events to do any good.

I forgot to mention that he is also in daycare there, as well as preschool, so he is there 4 days a week from 8-5. At his previous daycare, the teacher was better able to control his behavior, and he was very successful there. She had more experience than the people at the Catholic daycare/preschool, who are all very nice, but not as qualified. I guess I thought he would have grown up enough at 5 years old that he would not act like this!

I've thought about cutting down to part time, maybe having him only go three days a week, but I'm not sure I would be able to keep my job if that were the case. Besides, I'm not sure it would work, and he did fine at the old day care. I'm at my wits end....it may be time to seek outside help, but even then, I don't even know where to start looking.

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Permalink Reply by Lisa Seeber on October 6, 2009 at 9:47am

Is it possible to send him back to the old preschool? I am reminded of my husband talking about his second grade year--he wasn't any trouble in first grade but he was "so bad" in second grade that he was "not invited back" to that parochial school. He went to a different school the next year and again didn't have any problems. The second grade teacher happened to be very new at teaching . . . was it a personality conflict or a teacher who didn't know how to control things? Hard to tell now, and I bet it was just as hard then, but the new situation solved the problem. Is there another option for him?

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Permalink Reply by Laura B on October 6, 2009 at 11:22pm

I am starting to think that. I spent an hour at the school today and he is not the only kids who is not listening...the teacher pretty much does not have a handle on several of the very active boys in the class. I really appreciate the Catholic aspects of his education, but I don't like the way his behavior is worsening. I am going to wait for a few more weeks and then think about something else for him if things do not get better.

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Permalink Reply by Therese Rodriguez on October 9, 2009 at 11:18pm

You're a great mom to care and know thisis the time to do something!

We homeschool and have sent my son to school. At age 5 they don't need more than one or 2 hours of formal school at all!

and, Andrew Pudewa, of the Institute for Excellence in Writing, a past public school educator and hilarious presenter of his new work, talks about how boys are not meant to be sitting when learning. They do , at some public schools, take his advice and have the boys stand or walk around their desk when working. My son went to a boys only school where they'd let the kids ask to take a "hike' around school. Seriously they'd encourage the boys to ask to take a break before they got out of hand.

Bless you. I'd encourage you to try something nowish rather than wait weeks...but even more I'd encourage you to chat with his dad. Wild at Heart and Bringing up boys are superb boooks to affirm what you are seeing is his asking for something different.

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Permalink Reply by Laura B on October 12, 2009 at 12:12am

I absolutely agree! I'll look up those books. His dad has talked to him, but I tend to be the daily disciplinarian around here.

I had a long talk with his preschool teacher, and she said they have a lot of similar issues with kids at the beginning of the year, and they tend to resolve. I really want to give him the chance to work things out there, since he will be with these same kids all through elementary school.

I think I will try to get him over to school a bit earlier, so he can have more playground time before he goes inside for circle and story time. His previous teacher also offered to go over and try to see if she could make some suggestions for improvements. I may take her up on it.